The 13 Worst People to See While Flying

I’m taking a redeye Thursday night back to Iowa for the sole purpose of watching my little brother play in his very last regular season high school football game. I thought about writing my blog about that game, but then I got really emotional.

You see, I started going to Viking football games in 2004. And for eight years, I didn’t miss one single football game. Then I graduated, and my little brother started to play high school football. For the last four years, I’ve been more emotionally attached to this football team, than I have any other human being in my life. And in just a month, it’s going to be over. Never again will I attend another Viking football game.

Ok, that’s it. We’ve gotta stop. I’m too emotional.

Instead, here are the 13 types of flyers you inevitably see but want to strangle:

  1. The girl who takes 10 minutes to get ready to go through security because she’s wearing high heels and looks like she’s on the frickin’ red carpet. UNLESS, you are actually getting off the plane to greet your boyfriend who’s been overseas fighting war for the last 4 years, just wear sweats like the rest of the normal people.
  1. The person who brings a full-sized pillow and blanket and puts it in the seat next to them when they get to their gate. Excuse me, there are 100 people trying to board this airplane and your sleepy-time accessories really need a seat?
  1. The girl who gets on the airplane, pulls out wet wipes, and wipes down every surface on her seat. (This actually happened to me one time. I’m sure the lady was very clean and healthy, but in that moment, I hated her.)
  1. The people who spend a fortune in those tiny airport stores. If we just all boycotted them, they’d have to lower the prices!! Please buy your travel accessories before you arrive at the airport and save yourself some money. (Unless you’re stuck at the airport because your plane keeps getting delayed – then I get it.)
  1. The people who unnecessarily buy every single one of their children a tiny rolling carryon luggage piece. I mean honestly, how much are you fitting in those things? One sweatshirt? Maybe two shirts? Just buy one large suitcase and stop cluttering the airplane storage for everyone else.
  1. The people who keep their light on to read during a redeye flight!!!!!! My eyes are sensitive to light OK?!
  1. The person who chooses a window seat, but gets up to go to the bathroom seven times during a two-hour flight. It really disrupts the feng shui of the cabin. Also, it makes me angry.
  1. The person who gets mad when the flight gets delayed and keeps chewing out the flight attendants like it’s their fault. The left phalange will be fixed soon enough, sir.
  1. The stinkin’ people who “forget” to shower before they board a plane with 100 perfectly clean strangers. Pun intended.
  1. The couple who won’t stop making out and touching each other when there are clearly families nearby! I don’t care if you haven’t seen each other in 10 years, keep a safe distance until you exit the aircraft!
  1. The man who reclines his seat before the seatbelt sign has been turned off. I’m sorry, did you not listen to the directions the flight attendants gave like the rest of us?!
  1. The woman who won’t stop talking to you when you are VERY CLEARLY attempting to sleep. OK, so I might just be pretending to sleep, but please, please, stop talking to me, stranger.
  1. And, of course, the person who manages to sleep ON you AND snore at the same time! (OK, this hasn’t actually happened to me, but it’s always in movies, so I assume that it’s happened to someone.)
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